#wcw

The #acmcm post went over well.... well enough that I got four separate texts of appreciation, which has assured me that this blog is just on the cusp of breaking into the big league. (You're on notice, Taza.) 

Keeping up with the hashtag trend, let's talk about #wcw...

This past summer my brother had to take the STUPIDEST class to finish his college degree which basically consisted of making sure he could write an essay. I *helped* him on this particular essay and thought it was worth a share here. 

Note: This is absolutely a 100% real paper that he turned in for credit. The essay topic was "If you could date three people in the world, who would they be and why?" 

Seriously, that was his college essay topic. 

I really think if you're going to give dumb assignments, you should get dumb answers in response.   

I'll let you be the judge of his. 

     If suddenly given the option of choosing any woman in the world to date, I would have to seriously evaluate the long list of criteria that I have set out for potential mates and make an educated decision based off of many varied factors. Many guys might base such a decision solely on looks, (which honestly is a realistic place to start) but there are still so many important dynamics to evaluate to ensure compatibility and success. After a thorough investigation into familial background, income, class, and success, the three women that I would most likely choose from to date would be Kristen Saban, Ellen DeGeneres, and Emma Watson.

     First, let us examine Kristen Saban. I do not know much about Ms. Saban, other than she is the daughter of the most successful college football coach in the BSC era. Of course, I am referring to Nick Saban, head coach of SEC powerhouse, the Alabama Crimson Tide. And honestly, what else would a girl need on her dating resume? Due to her father’s somewhat “God-like” status in the state, Ms. Saban is assured front row seats and celebrity treatment for any Tide sporting event she so desires for the rest of her life. It goes without saying, any perks she receives she will pass on to the lucky beau she is dating, and I think being her “arm candy” would be worth it’s weight in gold.

     My second date-worthy choice would be Ellen DeGeneres. I already know that Ms. DeGeneres would be completely unavailable to me. Even if I ignored the fact that she is in a lifelong, committed relationship, I am well aware that the famous talk show host “bats for a different team.” Still, this is a hypothetical paper, and if choosing a person that is already deceased is an option, I believe that choosing someone with a sexual orientation totally incompatible with my own should be on the table as well. Ellen DeGeneres is fantastic. I seldom watch her show without tearing up from either laughing so hard or being washed with emotion at the generosity of her spirit. I believe that every day spent with Ellen would be a party. Plus, the woman can dance. And let us not forget about the unlimited supply of Ellen underwear that would surely come my way.

     The final woman that I would love to score a date with is Ms. Emma Watson, the English actress known for playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter film series. In all honesty, I spent a fair amount of time deciding whether I would actually rather date Ms. Watson or Hermione Granger herself. While Hermione possesses the ultimate prowess of being able to perform magic, as a lifelong Harry Potter fan, I could never come between the love the she and Ron Weasley share. Besides, it is not like dating Ms. Watson would be a huge letdown. She would talk in her British accent all the time, and we would have weekly reunion parties with the entire cast of the Harry Potter films (where most importantly, Emma would be my gateway to becoming best friends with Dame Maggie Smith).

     After much thought and consideration, I really think that these women have the most to offer. It would be very hard to choose between Saban and her crimson connections, DeGeneres’s love of life and merriment, and Watson and the ethereal ties to a fictional world I’ve grown up loving. I don’t know if it is possible to pick one over the others. … I’m just kidding. DeGeneres wins any day. If someone wants to send her my number, I’m sure we could theoretically be very happy together.

In case you're wondering... he passed.

Red Alert

Update: The red is growing on me.

Like, I might be in danger of loving it. 

My favorite Disney princess was a redhead. So was Fannie Flagg. Maybe turning into a redhead is the thing that's going to kickstart my ascension to a state of general togetherness. 

You are not Kim Kardashian

Sometimes, you just make bad decisions in life. Apparently, I'm going to make all of mine in my late 20s. That's fine. Let's just throw them out there and get them out of the way now.

I made a big one last night. And it poured over in to tonight.

(Warning: If you are a professional hair stylist, look away now. Things are going to get ugly.)

When it comes to hair care, there are two absolutes we girls are given from the time we can hold a brush.

#1- Never cut your own bangs. #2- Don't color your hair without a professional.

Those are completely reasonable rules. But for whatever reason... at one time or another... we all rebel. Sometimes we get away with it. Sometimes those decisions come back to bite us in the ass.


Flashback to last fall:

This was my natural, untouched hair. 

Boooring. 

I'd loved the ombre look for a long time and watched several youtube videos online before I decided I was competent enough to give it a try. Yes, I should have just gone to a salon, but I'm piss poor, and really thought I was an intelligent enough person to figure out how to add some color to my hair. So I absolutely lost my mind and tried it.... 

It wasn't so bad. I liked it.

Okay, I'm lying. I loved it.

It may look crazy to you, but I thought I did a darn good job. It was different and fun.

And so a few weeks later when it grew out to this....

I wasn't near as hesitant about re-appying a little lighter color to it. I even got really brave and added a few highlights. 

Here was that result: 

                      (^Y'all, I was a girl seriously loving her hair, and that's pretty rare for me.) 

Of course it's inevitable... it won't stay good for long. It grows. Color fades. Split ends take up residence in your locks.

This was its state before Christmas:

It desperately needed to be cut. Once again, I was too cheap to venture out and find people who cut hair all day long to ensure their economic survival. I just looked up a few DIY tricks on Pinterest.

That picture starts from the bottom left and works clockwise. Using my Pinterest tricks, I was able to add a few layers into my messy mop and get rid of some of those split ends. Nothing fancy, but it did the job just fine. 

Now here's where the real problem starts. 

All of the above gave me way too much confidence. 

I got cocky. 

Really cocky. 

When it came to hair, I was convinced there was nothing I couldn't do for myself. 

So when I was wondering aimlessly through CVS last night, and happened upon the hair dye isle, I didn't have any hesitation about picking up L'oreal's Wild Ombre Box. (C'mon, self-doubt! Where are you when I need you?!) 

The picture on the box reminded me of Kim Kardashian's recent 'do, which I happened to love. 

Nevermind that the future Mrs. West has an entourage of the most expensive hair wizards in the country to personally see to her every hair need... I was convinced I could do the same thing for myself and make it work. 

Wanna know how that turned out???????

..........

..........

..........

..........

..........

..........

Exactly as you'd expect.

What the hell was I thinking? 

I should have picked up the phone book then and searched for the nearest place with an open appointment.

Instead I went back to CVS.

I know.... Good call, Katie. I seriously deserve everything I bring on myself.

I picked out a nice medium brown, and waited until tonight to put it on.

About 5 minutes in, this started happening.

RED. 

I really like this picture, because it most illustrates the "Oh, Shit," wave I was feeling wash over me. (It's in the eyes, I think.)

I was hoping it would rinse and be dark.

No. such. freaking. luck.

It's incredibly red. 

I feel like my mother. 

And a leprechaun. 

And it's not even done right, because the red just "attached" to the highlighted area, and the dark patches are still visible underneath. 

But I'm leaving it, because my hair already feels damaged enough as it is. 

Maybe it will serve as a punishment... a sort of life lesson that will force me to think twice about the inherent badness that comes from spontaneous decision making. 

Buuuuuut I doubt it. 

All I know is... after screwing up so much now... if I ever make it to my thirties, I'm going to seriously *rock* that shit. 

Watch out, 2017. I'm coming for you. 

#acmcm

It's Man Crush Monday, y'all!

.... with a little bit of a remix.

Today we're playing #acmcm... that's "Awkward Celebrity Man Crush Monday."

You have those, right? ... Those few people you would kinda die if people knew you had a crush on, so you secretly keep them to yourself and then swoon like a 13 year old girl when they come on your tv screen??

I know I'm not the only one. My old roomie Andrea (who I now know reads this nonsense, so shout out to Andrea!!) used to have this thing for Conan O'Brian.

That one I'm never gonna get.

But I love that she did, and Andrea wins +10 cool points for letting her freak flag fly.



[And by the way, before we get in to my picks... let's just set this straight. I googled "awkward celebrity crushes" before I started writing this to make sure there were more weirdos out there like me and Andrea.

Don't worry. There are.

But an alarming number of people said their awkward celebrity crush was Alan Rickman.

Like, no. 

Alan Rickman is not your awkward celebrity crush. He's just your celebrity crush.

I think Professor Snape is a perfectly acceptable answer.]




But back to my secret suitors...

Let's start you out gently.

.....

(3) Matthew Gray Gubler

MGG might be a giant nerd, but he's the most exceedingly handsome giant nerd I've ever seen, so he might seem like he doesn't belong on this list.

Let me assure you, he does.

If you do the least bit of research on the guy, you learn quickly that he is w.e.i.r.d.

And not weird in like a quirky, but endearing type way, either. Like scary weird.

He has his own website, which looks like this:

It makes really frightening noises, and includes his personal art collection, where you can find pictures like this self portrait:

and these of his friends: 

Messed up, right?

I knew all of those things above, and I watched a handful (okay, maybe more like 4 hours worth) of bizarre interviews on youtube, and it still didn't stop me from featuring his face on my phone screen for a solid two months in 2009.

....................

(2) Victor Garber

Things are starting to get weirder.

I know Victor Garber bats for a different team. I know he's more than twice my age.

Doesn't matter.

Something in my mind just thinks "yeesss," whenever I watch him. It might be because he's so darn charismatic. I don't know. But I do know if he ever asks me over to his loft for a dinner of mixed greens while we softly jam to musical theater, I'm going. And y'all know I don't even eat from that whole food group, so I think that's a pretty good testament for Mr. Garber.

....................

Ready for my most shocking? 

I think some people think I'm kidding when I say this, but let me assure you.... I'M. NOT.

(1) Richard Schiff

At some point in time, we're going to talk about the West Wing on this blog, because it is one of my all time favorite shows, and there is never going to be an end to the good things I can say about it. 

Implicit in that love for the West Wing is my love for Toby Ziegler (aka: the best written character for a television show ever.) 

If I'm being honest, Richard Schiff probably isn't all that alluring- it's Zieglar that's won my heart. But it is impossible for me to separate the two, so we're going to roll with it. 

Watching Toby Zieglar... and the way that Richard Schiff plays Toby Zieglar... is the kind of thing I enjoy so much it hurts. He speaks to my soul in a way only a Sorkin-made character can. 

He's smart. He's funny. 

He's warm and off-putting at the exact same time.

 

I saw a tumbler that said "Toby Zieglar is my spirit animal." 

I couldn't agree more. 

Not only is he #1 on my awkward celebrity crush list, he *might* just be at the top of my "people I'm dying to canoodle" list, period.

(*canoodle means cuddle, you guys. don't make me promiscuous.)   

.................... 

Do y'all have any secret (or not so secret) awkward celebrity crushes? I'm seriously kinda dying to know. Things could get really freaky, really fast, and I would be so down with that. 

Why I Was Pulling for #18

43-8.

That's a rough score to swallow.

Seattle fans aside, I don't think anyone likes to see a Super Bowl play out that way. When it comes to the big games, you want the big plays... big moments that turn into bigger memories.

What happened tonight was only a big disappointment.

Full disclosure: I was cheering for the Broncos to win. It's not that I'm a die hard Denver fan, (and there are definitely worse teams to lose a Super Bowl ring to than the Seahawks) but I am lover of all things Manning, and I really wanted Peyton to pull this win off.

Why?

I just really love his story.

Sports are always exciting to watch, but when those sports start to encompass more than just the play on the field... when you know the stories of the people engaging... they become something more.

They become relevant.

Cheering for a team is fun. Cheering for an idea is electrifying.

That's my woman's perspective, anyway. As a woman, I know I'm quick to join any plight that sparks from a romantic notion. But I suspect there are plenty of others out there like me, who yearn to see players become characters, and who start to invest more emotion in people than in the mere outcome of the game.

Do you remember the weeks following the Iron Bowl? Of course you do. The animosity in this state was unbearable. That game did wicked, wicked things to the already barely contained equilibrium that is Tide/Tiger fandom. But in the weeks that followed, there was a video that dominated my Facebook feed. (I mean other than the one with that UnGodly, luck of the Plains play that resulted in the most haunting and unspeakable of conclusions.) It was this one that told the story of Alabama Quarterback AJ McCarron and the friendship he fostered with equipment manager AJ Starr. That video was everywhere, and it was always touching to see both sides of the state passing it through their channels and sharing a relationship of such undeniable warmth.

Even in times of hostility, we were all suckers for a good story.

One of the best things about watching sports is it gives us a real life medium to watch these stories play out, and it does so in a way that is incredibly satisfying. Every game is reality TV with sincerity. The narrative is unscripted; the outcomes are unpredictable; and the preparation has been years in the making. It is exhilarating to watch so many dreams unfold.

Circle back to Peyton Manning.

I watched ESPN's film The Book of Manning shortly after it aired.

I loved it.

Archie Manning is the kind of person you want to emulate in everything that you do. He is kind, gentle, incredibly charming- the very picture of southern class. It's not surprising to me that a young Peyton would revere having Archie as his father, but it's no less adorable to see that reverence materialize.

Watch from 17:11 to 18:45 to see my favorite part of the whole film.



When Peyton was a child, he got his hands on old radio broadcasts from Archie's college days at Ole Miss. He admits to listening to them over and over again. The moment that absolutely pulls at my heart strings is when present Peyton, at age 37, is still able to recite his father's offensive linemen, their names and their hometowns, in the order they were called out on those tapes.

Can we just let that sink in for a minute?

Peyton was so enthralled with his father and what he could do on a football field, that he would listen to a recording of games that happened years before he was born. He listened so attentive and played them so many times that he memorized the names of the players in sequence.

What kid does that?

I can't even imagine sitting down and listening to audio recordings, much less a child having the attention span for it. (Maybe like in 1940 when all you have for entertainment is FDR's fireside chats, but this is the late 1970's we're talking about.) That's impressive. And incredibly endearing.

And I say all of that to say this:

I'm remarkably sorry for Peyton for the way things played out tonight. In a game where he should have been playing for his legacy, he barely got out with his pride.

However, I still find his story compelling.

And the image of a boy loving and chasing after a game because of the way his father played it... well, that's an idea I'm never going to get tired of rooting for.

Let's hope he doesn't make us anytime soon.

Current Obsessions, vol. 1:

^This is exactly how I operate.

My obsessions come about quickly and sometimes get out of control. The good news is they change almost weekly, (this is especially the case with music) so things stay pretty interesting.

I thought I'd share some of my current loves with you, so you can jump on the crazy train with me, and we can obsess together.

(1) Kanye West's Black Skinhead

I already know how you feel about Kanye. I can't sit through an interview either. Dude is seriously full of himself.

But I still really love his music.

This song is on replay on my phone. I like to blast it when I'm by myself and rock my interpretive dance moves. It's very tribal. My favorite part is when he shouts "ahhh" after the bridge. Plus, I very much wish I could "black out on someone's ass," so there's that.

(2) Mei Lun and Mei Huan, the adorable twin baby pandas at the Atlanta Zoo

I am OBSESSED with these pandas. Are they not the cutest things you've ever seen in your whole entire life?

If you say "no," you have no soul.

I look at their pictures every single day, and I follow Zoo Atlanta on Instagram just so I can keep up their daily growth and development.

(3) The Rhonna Designs App

This is one of my very favorite apps on my Iphone. Its how you take your pictures from this:

To this:

Cute, eh? 

I play with it aaaalll the time. I think its free right now in the app store, but if not, its totally worth the $1.25. 

(4) Impractical Jokers 

Does anyone ever watch this show? 

A surprising amount of people have never heard of it. 

My family and I keep episodes on our DVR, and we watch them all the time. Its my favorite show to watch with people. And I really love that its not mean humor, because nice people are just better. 

As with anything on youtube, the more you watch, the more funny the clips get, but this is one of my favorites from the show. 

Preeeetttttyyy funny.

So what y'all got? Any "must have" media/products/mania I need to look into?

Coming clean about my clan

Do you remember this post of yesterdays gone by? (Two days ago to be exact.)

^That was what I said about my family. I called them "nice" and "good" people. 

Weeeelllll...... that's not entirely true. 

In fact, living with the Fullers is kind of what I imagine living with a small group of terrorists would be like. 

Take for example this video my brother sent me tonight. 

I received more than one clip, but I could never really tell what was bringing about Angry Neal. So I asked him. 

"What are you doing to piss him off?"

His response? 

Oh, that. Naturally. ... My bad. I should have known. 

Keeping the above in mind, lets talk about a bigger issue. 

It is somewhat of a well known fact that I am the least favorite of the Fuller children. That briefly went away when I was in law school, but since sinking back into a life of harrowing disappointment, I can once again claim that title without much reservation. 

Don't believe me? 

Check out this text conversation from a few weeks ago: 

As you can tell from reading, I was in the middle of the interstate when a pretty legit police chase went down. You can read all about here: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/high-speed-police-chase-on-i-20-westbound/ncgRG/. 

Now, as a precursor, here's what responding texts from my family should have looked like. This was a conversation with my friend Emlyn who received the exact same text above as they did. 

Here are four things that Emlyn did that I think would be a pretty basic response in such circumstances:

(1) She validated the insanity of the situation. 

     "OMG!!!!! Craziness!!!!!" (By using capital letters and multiple exclamation marks, she made certain that I knew that she was taking this ordeal very seriously.)

(2) She assessed the situation. She ensured my safety was secured. 

     "Are you ok? Are you moving yet?"

(3) She immediately looked to outside sources to gather information she perceived pertinent to my well-being. 

     

     "I tried to google it. Here's the link from ajc.com"

(4) And finally, she continued to safeguard my security. 

     She not only told me to "lock my doors," but also found local traffic updates to make certain that I could maneuver through the build-up of resulting traffic safely. 

What a picture of consideration and concern. 

Here's what I got from my family: 

Quite the difference in responses.

At least my brother had somewhat of enough decency to "hope I was strapped." (That's "strapped with a gun" for anyone who might be reading this outside of the southeastern United States. It's okay, we carry them here like a hipster with Starbucks outside a Bon Iver concert. Translation: We got this.)

Anyway, his unexceptional chivalry was soon trumped by his constant need to "one-up" everyone. And in my opinion, the FBI being in Sylacauga, Alabama doesn't upstage my police chase story WHILE ITS FREAKING HAPPENING. 

At any rate, at least Justin addressed me directly. That same can't be said for the people who produced me. 

Complete inattentiveness on their part. 

Even when I called them out for being the worst people on the planet, I was met with wordlessness. The whole thing is even more despairing, because its not like they were so busy at work they didn't have time to respond to the situation. They obviously found time to respond to Justin. My mother even found time for cynicism and ridicule with her echoing of Justin's sentiments... which I think were pretty self-evident in the first place. 

You know, I even gave them the benefit of the doubt, thinking they were waiting to hear all about it in person once I got home safely. 

When I finally did arrive home, I was so excited to tell my story. (It was a pretty ridiculous thing to witness, and my adrenaline was pumped sky high the rest of the day.) 

When I walked in the house, no one even mentioned it. 

I waited and waited. 

Nothing.

Finally when we were in the car on the way to dinner and the conversation had stalled, I brought it up. 

"So about that police chase today..." 

My father's response? 

"Oh, God. Not that again." 

This was immediately followed by my brother cutting in with his own story of a could-have-been car accident in a vehicle he was piloting where only his master and superior driving skills saved the entire group he was with from impeding and most certain doom. 

My parents hung on the edge of their seats. 

Sadly, after years of experience with this rigid group of people, I don't expect much different. And unlike Drake who "started from the bottom, now we on top," .... well, I'm still just very much on the bottom. 

Thank God I at least have Emlyn.