#wcw

The #acmcm post went over well.... well enough that I got four separate texts of appreciation, which has assured me that this blog is just on the cusp of breaking into the big league. (You're on notice, Taza.) 

Keeping up with the hashtag trend, let's talk about #wcw...

This past summer my brother had to take the STUPIDEST class to finish his college degree which basically consisted of making sure he could write an essay. I *helped* him on this particular essay and thought it was worth a share here. 

Note: This is absolutely a 100% real paper that he turned in for credit. The essay topic was "If you could date three people in the world, who would they be and why?" 

Seriously, that was his college essay topic. 

I really think if you're going to give dumb assignments, you should get dumb answers in response.   

I'll let you be the judge of his. 

     If suddenly given the option of choosing any woman in the world to date, I would have to seriously evaluate the long list of criteria that I have set out for potential mates and make an educated decision based off of many varied factors. Many guys might base such a decision solely on looks, (which honestly is a realistic place to start) but there are still so many important dynamics to evaluate to ensure compatibility and success. After a thorough investigation into familial background, income, class, and success, the three women that I would most likely choose from to date would be Kristen Saban, Ellen DeGeneres, and Emma Watson.

     First, let us examine Kristen Saban. I do not know much about Ms. Saban, other than she is the daughter of the most successful college football coach in the BSC era. Of course, I am referring to Nick Saban, head coach of SEC powerhouse, the Alabama Crimson Tide. And honestly, what else would a girl need on her dating resume? Due to her father’s somewhat “God-like” status in the state, Ms. Saban is assured front row seats and celebrity treatment for any Tide sporting event she so desires for the rest of her life. It goes without saying, any perks she receives she will pass on to the lucky beau she is dating, and I think being her “arm candy” would be worth it’s weight in gold.

     My second date-worthy choice would be Ellen DeGeneres. I already know that Ms. DeGeneres would be completely unavailable to me. Even if I ignored the fact that she is in a lifelong, committed relationship, I am well aware that the famous talk show host “bats for a different team.” Still, this is a hypothetical paper, and if choosing a person that is already deceased is an option, I believe that choosing someone with a sexual orientation totally incompatible with my own should be on the table as well. Ellen DeGeneres is fantastic. I seldom watch her show without tearing up from either laughing so hard or being washed with emotion at the generosity of her spirit. I believe that every day spent with Ellen would be a party. Plus, the woman can dance. And let us not forget about the unlimited supply of Ellen underwear that would surely come my way.

     The final woman that I would love to score a date with is Ms. Emma Watson, the English actress known for playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter film series. In all honesty, I spent a fair amount of time deciding whether I would actually rather date Ms. Watson or Hermione Granger herself. While Hermione possesses the ultimate prowess of being able to perform magic, as a lifelong Harry Potter fan, I could never come between the love the she and Ron Weasley share. Besides, it is not like dating Ms. Watson would be a huge letdown. She would talk in her British accent all the time, and we would have weekly reunion parties with the entire cast of the Harry Potter films (where most importantly, Emma would be my gateway to becoming best friends with Dame Maggie Smith).

     After much thought and consideration, I really think that these women have the most to offer. It would be very hard to choose between Saban and her crimson connections, DeGeneres’s love of life and merriment, and Watson and the ethereal ties to a fictional world I’ve grown up loving. I don’t know if it is possible to pick one over the others. … I’m just kidding. DeGeneres wins any day. If someone wants to send her my number, I’m sure we could theoretically be very happy together.

In case you're wondering... he passed.